Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
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Hotels are back
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”