Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.