That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
no cat here
Cheers Twitter.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to