A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Florida be like…
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
awkward
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.