Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Worst perfume name ever.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Breaking news:
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”