Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW