When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
normalize having existential bread
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
This made me chuckle cuz mood