In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Birds & Planes.