Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late