Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
You Might Also Like
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
This was my dad’s browser history.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves