The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
another case of gang violins
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.