You can’t rush stupid.
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
new career option?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My sex drive has a dui
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you