Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.