Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]