“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.