Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Wait for it
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.