growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.