We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.