4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
You Might Also Like
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My current situation
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.