I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.