I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A completely valid reaction tbh
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.