[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
You Might Also Like
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
this post was so formative to me
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
gm
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*