Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”