If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
You Might Also Like
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…