[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
You Might Also Like
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.