the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me