[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
this is 10/10 content no notes
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.