If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
This pepper has seen some shit
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
God has abandoned us.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Same pineapple, same
courtroom exchange of the day
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath