Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
They’re called werewolves.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?