I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?