Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“i am a sweet baby”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Stop sending me this shit.