My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh