man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.