School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.