Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You Might Also Like
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Peter Parker Peter Driver