Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?