Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.