Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes