AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
British websites use biscuits.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.