This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy