breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
happy mother’s day❤️
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.