I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
True
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Unexpected Judgment
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.