Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
yeah 😭
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor