[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
honestly, i need both:
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”