Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Okay me first
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: