[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You Might Also Like
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*