When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Name this drama.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.