My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Nice try Hitler
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*