me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.