Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner